Dr. Doug, what are you doing to me?! I thought we had a good thing going? I come for my annual physical, everyone praises me for how handsome I am, you poke and prod, while feeding me lots of treats, give me a clean bill of health and I’m on my way, tail wagging. But not this visit! This visit you said the word that no dog wants to hear, “Diet!” How could this happen? I walk at least 5 miles a day, more most days! Then there’s all those rounds of fetch between walks, and wrestling with Asa. What about all the exercise I get on our weekend beach romps and hikes? How could I possibly have gained weight? Clearly your scales need recalibrating. Or maybe Sassy, the office cat, put her paw on the scale when no one was looking?
Oh sure I may have stolen a few of Asa’s treats. But that’s his fault! He plays with them, and we all know you’re not suppose to play with your food! I’m teaching him a valuable lesson. And I may have pushed him out of the way to eat his breakfast once or twice. But clearly Asa was eating too slow, and delaying us from heading out on our adventures! Besides, Asa never complained. As for my insistence on licking everything in the dishwasher, hey someone has to pre-rinse those dishes because they won’t do it on their own! And I’m not the one leaving blobs of mayonnaise on spoons and gobs of melted cheese on pans stacked in there. I’m not completely blameless here! Mom, did you know Dad sneaks to me some of his snack every evening? It’s our thing! How else will Dad learn portion control for himself? And Mom is always sharing her fruit and veggies with me. It’s not my fault Asa won’t eat his veggies, so I’ll eat his too! No wonder Asa’s an “ideal” weight! The poor dog is a fussy eater, and no doubt starving! There’s also all my stress eating in reaction to Asa’s adolescent outbursts! Maybe if I didn’t have to cover up for him when he breaks the rules, I wouldn’t feel compelled to eat my feelings.
Oh and don’t get me started about all my hard work building up community relations! It would be rude of me if I didn’t accept a big crunchy treat…or four…from the workers at the dump every week. And the bank would certainly run out of room in their vault if I wasn’t there on a regular basis to eat the treats stored there. Also when visiting the beach, I have no other option than to accept the treats offered to me by my new friends! Besides, in The Standard Book of Etiquette, the author clearly states that when visiting it is rude to decline food when offered by the hostess. So there you have it folks! It would be downright insulting if I didn’t eat the treats offered to me by my grandparents when I visit them.
Can’t you see Mom and Dad I’ve sacrificed my waistline for the good of our family! But how do you repay me? You put me on a diet! Oh the dogmanity… Dr. Doug, I forgive you. I know you’re only telling me this for my own good. So I vow I will do my best not to indulge in treats and to lose the extra weight. But don’t blame me if without my assistance Asa is looking a bit chunkier, not to mention Mom and Dad too!