The Affidavit

Asa here. Chuck Billy is exhausted from celebrating his birthday yesterday, so I thought I’d let him sleep in this morning.  Problem is the case of the missing dog nail clippers has resumed with even more evidence against us.  I found a copy of Detective Mom’s affidavit on the kitchen table.  To be honest my philosophy is if you can’t eat it or play fetch with it, it’s not worth my attention.  But something tells me this is important, and shouldn’t be ignored.  Can you make heads or tails out of it?

I, Detective Mom, being duly sworn, hereby state the following under penalty of perjury: I am a Special Agent assigned to Living with a Golden.  This affidavit is submitted in support of an application for a complaint and arrest warrant charging Chuck Billy and Asa with conspiracy to commit theft in the case of the missing dog nail clippers.  Information in this affidavit is based on my personal knowledge and on information provided to me by other investigators, including Detective Dad, during the course of this investigation.

Summary of Investigation: On the evening of January 24, 2018 a pair of dog nail clippers were reported missing.  They were last seen in the presence of Chuck Billy and Asa.  A thorough search of the entire house turned up empty.  Chuck Billy and Asa not only had access to the missing dog nail clippers, under interrogation they admitted not liking said clippers (see Exhibit A). Furthermore, Chuck Billy and Asa have the means and the opportunity to have carried out this crime.

On the morning of January 25, 2018 a new pair of clippers were order online by the victims.  Two days later they received notice that the package was “undeliverable” and returned to sender.  After contacting the online business, a new pair of dog nail clippers were ordered.  Two days later on, January 29, 2018, victims received another notice that the package containing the replacement dog nail clippers was “undeliverable.”  Yet within that time frame, two other packages from that business arrived with no problem.  Suspects Chuck Billy and Asa have above average technical skills as evident in their social media presence.  Thus giving the means and the opportunity to reroute the package and interfere with delivery on both occasions.

On the afternoon of January 30, 2018, victims went to local pet supply store to purchase new dog nail clippers.  Although hours posted on the door clearly state they would be opened at that time, they were closed.  Victims returned an hour later, and the store remained closed.  Case of the missing dog nail clippers should be expanded to include investigation of the whereabouts of the pet supply store owner.  This is a reputable family run business and it is highly suspicious that they were closed during regular business hours.

Conclusion: Based on the foregoing, I respectfully submit that there is probable cause to believe that Chuck Billy and Asa have conspired to hide the dog nail clippers and have prevented new clippers from being purchased.  I respectfully request that this court issue an arrest warrant for Chuck Billy and Asa as described in this affidavit.

Det. Mom, Special Agent for Living with a Golden

If you see these two suspects do not approach. They are armed with rather long nails that need trimming.


About the author

Chuck Billy is a Golden Retriever, living in Southern Maine, who likes to share his unique observations on life with his little brother Asa. When not writing his blog, he spends his days being awesome.

1 comment on “The Affidavit”

  1. Pye the Guinea Pig

    I will be filing a motion to dismiss charges due to several faults in the affidavit. First, my clients were not made aware of their Miranda rights while being interrogated. Therefore, the court must toss the “confession” about hating nail clippers. Second, no affidavit was submitted by the victims stating that the packages were “undeliverable” and that the pet supply store owner was not to be found. As a result, the testimony by Det. Mom is hearsay, and the statements should be disregarded. Because of these faults, the court erred in granting the arrest warrant and all charges should be dismissed. ~Pye the Guinea Pig, Esq.

Leave A Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *