Dogs, today is Employee Appreciation Day. This is a great time to remind our staff the variety of benefits we give them each and every day in exchange for the privilege of taking care of us.
Health Care: As our employees, the biggest benefit Asa and I offer to our Mom and Dad is unlimited health care. We keep them healthy and strong with our mandatory exercise program. It all begins bright and early with a brisk walk. Often this is the first of multiple walks during the day. On the weekend, weather permitting, we increase their exercise with an additional hike or beach run. Our health care benefits also include incorporating exercise into their daily routine without them knowing it. Take for example the countless squats while bending down to pet us. Why make it easy by sitting up, when we can relax laying down, and make them do all the work? I try to motivate my staff to go as low as possible by insisting on belly rubs. There is also the high knee lifts when stepping over the obstacle course Asa and I create laying on the floor, usually in the kitchen when Mom is trying to prepare meals. Our health care benefits also improves reflexes. This includes, but is not limited to, their attempts to beat our two second record to pick up dropped food, running to the door to be there first to greet visitors, and of course the sprints in the middle of the night to get us outside when one of us is about to vomit.
401 Canine: Our 401 Canine plan helps our staff to save money for future investments. Thanks to us, Mom and Dad regularly avoid going out to places where dogs are not allowed, and instead opt to stay home with Asa and me. This saves them from spending money foolishly on themselves, when they should be spending it on us. With the money they save, we recommend investing it into purchasing squeaky balls for us, which will increase their health care benefits with our never ending games of fetch, not to mention gives Mom and Dad something productive and fun to do when home with us.
Free Counseling: Our Open Crate Policy allows staff to share with us their hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns. Dogs are always here to listen free of charge. As your bosses, we care about you and know just when you need a laugh, a cuddle, or even a furry head to cry on.
Vacation Policy: We are firm believers that family time is important. Family time strengthens bonds, develops positive behavior, not to mention creates happy memories. Therefore, we insist on vacations with us. Mom and Dad, you don’t need to waste precious vacation time flying to exotic places or spending the weekend at a quaint inn where dogs aren’t allowed. Instead, vacation time spent with us is a far more rewarding experience. That’s why as your employers we insist on you taking us everywhere you go!
Flextime: We also encourage flextime within your day to further ensure a positive work environment. Studies show that a repetitive routine makes for a dull work day and uninspired employees. By working into your daily tasks a system of breaks as determined by us, our flexible work schedule adds unpredictability to your day and keeps it from becoming mundane. That is why during conference calls we bark at unseen nemeses, while concentrating on report writing we decide that is when we absolutely must go out for a potty break, and after a long day when you finally relax in front of the TV we insist you play with us instead. Our flextime keeps you alert and sharp!
With that said, Happy Employee Appreciation Day to all the humans working for their dogs! We hope you appreciate the variety of employee benefits we give you. So Mom, next time you’re grumbling about Asa waking you at 4 AM on a Saturday because he wants to play; or Dad, when I demand you to stop talking with a client to let me out to chase a squirrel, you should appreciate being our employees, because everything we do is to benefit you! No need to thank us, we do it because we care! But if you do want to thank us, Boss Appreciation Day is on Monday, October 16, 2022.
