On the afternoon of Thursday, January 18, 2024, a witness reported unusual activity in our kitchen. There was kibble vomit on the floor in front of the crate, and Asa was feverishly working to hide the evidence. He was soon joined by an accomplice also trying to cover up this crime against kibble, Chuck Billy. But whose vomit was it? The following is the interrogation for this investigation.
Chuck Billy: Well surely it can’t be mine. I always run to the backdoor before vomiting.
Det. Mom: But you were acting “off” this morning, refusing to come upstairs to the office. Are you feeling alright?
Chuck Billy: Can’t a dog take a day off from work without being questioned? Besides, Asa stayed down here too. Maybe I stayed down here to supervise him? Someone has to keep an eye on him! *barked while Asa walked passed carrying a boot he found.*
Det. Mom: You do have a point about Asa also not wanting to join me upstairs in the office this morning, and needing supervision. *said while blocking Asa from dropping the boot on the scene of the crime.*
Chuck Billy: Besides you’ve said it yourself that I give an Oscar worthy performance each time my tummy is upset. Surely you would have heard me if I was the perpetrator!
Det. Mom: Well yes, that is true. Asa is usually more stoic about an upset tummy than you. Which could explain why I did not hear the telltale vomit alarm. And, as gross as it is, he always tries to “clean up” afterwards.
Asa: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let’s not jump to conclusions here. I’ve also been known to help clean up after Chuck Billy. This is a clear case of “no good deed goes unpunished!” *barked while wondering why no one took his hint now would be a good time to go outside, hence the boot he brought over.*
Det. Mom: Well this is also true. You are “helpful” that way. Although I wish you wouldn’t be! And you both were napping in the crate prior to this incident, so you could have accidentally blocked Chuck Billy’s exit to get to the backdoor. Leaving him with no choice but to let the kibble land where it may. In addition, Chuck Billy never eats his own vomit, but was seen just now “helping” you.
Chuck Billy: You know I’m a stress eater! And this was a stressful situation! I detest such filth in the house! One should always go outside to do such things.
Det. Mom: This is true too. *said while putting on her boots, after finally getting Asa’s hint about going outside.*
Asa: Despite what both you and Chuck Billy think, some cases can never be solved. To quote the great Derek Smalls and Nigel Tufnel from the movie Spinal Tap, when they were discussing a similar incident with their former drummer, Stumpy Joe: “Derek Smalls: Well they can’t prove whose vomit it was…they don’t have the ability…there’s no way of… Nigel Tufnel: You can’t really dust for vomit.”
Det. Mom: Well it looks like I’m not going to get a confession out of either of you. But rest assured I’m keeping a close eye on both of you!
Update Tuesday, January 23, 2024: Neither dog has shown any additional signs up an upset tummy. The case has gone cold, and shall be considered closed. But I’m still keeping an eye on these two suspects!
