During my visit to Fort Ticonderoga, I learned step by step how to use an historic cannon, which gave me a brilliant idea for my world tour! Now before I go any further, I want to remind everyone that cannons are loud! So if you’re a dog visiting this living history museum in New York, and not a fan of loud noises, I suggest taking a walk on the Carillon Battlefield Hiking Trail when that daily reenactment and the musket demonstration are happening. Me, on the other paw, loud noises are not an issue, and I’ve been to similar events before. However this was the first time I received an actual lesson on how to use a cannon, a skill that is very valuable for an up and coming rock star!
A highpoint of seeing AC/DC live in concert is when they fire their cannon. That got me thinking, what if I use a cannon to send poop bags into my audience! I already have the perfect parody written! What better way to add to the excitement than to have a 21 poop bag salute! However, unlike the members of AC/DC who had a bit of a learning curve when they first started using theirs, I was lucky to have my new best friends, the highly trained interpreters at Fort Ticonderoga, teach me.
I learned that this type of cannon pictured below is called a Mortar. It was developed in the late 16th century, and could fire shells in a high arc, especially when positioned at a 45º angle. My first thought was to fill it with Bacon Scented Squeaky Balls and send them into the audience. Kind of like how when Mom saw Nickelback in concert they used a t-shirt gun to give gifts to fans. But my reenactor friends told me that Mortars weren’t very good to bring on tour, because they are very heavy and work best in a fixed location. I asked my tour manager, Llily Llama, if she could arrange a residency for me at the Sphere in Vegas, but she said I wasn’t that famous yet.
Therefore I decided to change focus to using a slightly more mobile cannon. During the demonstration, I learned that cannons can range in size, called a 3 pounder, a 6 pounder or a 12 pounder. But here’s the thing, those weights refer to the cannonball being loaded inside, and NOT the weight of the actual cannon. The actual cannon, especially during the American Revolution, could range between 450 pounds to over 3,000! No wonder AC/DC switched from using a replica Napoleonic cannon as a stage prop, to a plastic version that was safer and easier to move.
After careful consideration, I think my best option is a 3 pounder, that sends poop bags into the audience, as a reminder to my fans to clean up their area before leaving the show. Now without further ado, here is my reimagined hit song parody of “For Those about to Rock.”
For Those About To Walk! (August 2016)
Wake up and count poop bags
For we’re about to go for a walk
We are the Goldens
We’ll sniff at everything we see
Wag, Wag at the cars
‘Cause commuters have the right of way
We ain’t no lap dogs, ain’t no ’cause
We’re out walking every day!
For those about to walk, we salute you!
For those about to walk, we salute you!
We walk at dawn down the front lawn
Like a bolt I will run ahead
The skies aren’t light, it is still night
We’re ready to walk at any time
For those about to walk, we salute you!
For those about to walk, we salute you!
For those about to walk, we salute you! Yes, we do!
For those about to walk, we salute you!
Oh, salute!
We’re just a couple Golden Retrievers wanting exercise
Ready to walk with you
Pick up that leash and load up your pockets
For a twenty-one poop bag salute!
For those about to walk, yeah (we salute you)
Oh, for those about to walk (we salute you)
Those about to walk, yeah (we salute you)
Bark, we salute you
We salute you, let’s walk!
For those about to walk, we salute you
For those about to walk, we salute you
For those about to walk, we salute you
For those about to walk, we salute you
Bark! Bark!
Bark! Bark!
Oh, for those who take us, on those walks
Sharing your time and picking up waste
We salute you, yeah
We salute you
We salute you
We salute you
WALK!!!!
