Hello, Dog Ufologist Report Line? First time caller, long time listener. I’d like to report a UAPP.
Chuck Billy: Asa, I’m impressed you’re using the official term used by the military, NASA, and other government agencies for UFOs of UAP – Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena, but you have an extra “P.”
Asa: Oh! It’s not a UAP that I’m reporting. I’m reporting an Unexplained Alien Pumpkin Phenomenon!
Chuck Billy: Of course you are, I should have known. Well since you’re here, I might as well take your report for the practice, and to show I have an open mind towards all witness reports.
Asa: Thank you! Where should I begin? I guess it all started the week of Halloween when Dad brought home a white pumpkin. I was instantly smitten by my new best friend.
Chuck Billy: You do realize a pumpkin is just a gourd, right? Oh who am I fooling? Of course you consider a pumpkin to be a best friend! Carry on.
Asa: Well after Dad helped my new friend reach its inner potential, by carving its Alien face for all to see, we headed outside to take family photos.
Chuck Billy: Yes, I was there for that. What’s your point?
Asa: Don’t rush me, I’m getting to it. I just want to convey for the record we are indeed friends. Since you seemed to question that early on in my report, and I don’t want to be accused as an accomplice in the phenomenon that I’m reporting. Anyways, after the photos we took it back inside, and I kept it company in the kitchen all evening. I’m including the photos as you require in your reporting guidelines.
Asa: Then on Halloween, my Alien Pumpkin showed off its spooky glow outside in the yard where everyone could admire it. However, the next day I felt bad that he was alone on the wall. So I visited on every walk, while trying to convince Mom and Dad to invite him back into the house. I’d tell him all about what I had for breakfast, how many squirrels I said “hello” to on my walks, and…
Chuck Billy: Hurry up! It’ll be dinnertime by the time you’re done relaying the “facts” to me!
Asa: Alright, alright! After over a week of saying hello to my pumpkin daily, this morning he wasn’t there! Not even a seed left behind, or a forwarding address!
Chuck Billy: Again, I have to ask you do realize it is a pumpkin, right?
Asa: You sound like those UFO naysayers you’re always complaining about! Of course I know it is a pumpkin. But not just any pumpkin! It’s my best friend who is involved in an Unexplained Alien Pumpkin Phenomenon!
Chuck Billy: Ok, fine. I’ll conduct an investigation, but I’m pretty sure your “best friend” is in the compost pile.
