Backyard Cold Case Final Report: On Wednesday, March 6, 2024, at approximately 6:00 AM, while on routine patrol, I received a vandalism report from the Vole family. They found traces of digging in the backyard, unrelated to their usual dirt mounds.
At the time of that report, I examined the area, and agreed that the disturbed soil in multiple areas within the fenced perimeter was unusual. After further interviewing the Voles, I dug up the usual suspects to begin my investigation: Mr. Squirrel (who refused to give his first name), Chippy Chipmunk, Tom Turkey, Sylvester Skunk (AKA Sly), and Asa. Although some had questionable alibis, while others acted very squirrelly, and one put up a stink, they were all released due to inadequate evidence. Without further evidence, the case went cold.
On Tuesday, March 19, 2024, while attempting to confirm with the Robin family that they had the proper permits to build a nest in my tree, I heard a ruckus behind me. I turned just in time to see the perpetrator committing another act of vandalism in my yard.
I immediately apprehended the perpetrator. Upon examining the new damage, compared with the previous digging, I determined them to be a match.
During questioning, the suspect began quoting from the 1984 movie “Footloose.” Specifically the pivotal monologue by Ren: “From the oldest of times, people danced for a number of reasons. They danced in prayer… or so that their crops would be plentiful… or so their hunt would be good. And they danced to stay physically fit… and show their community spirit. And they danced to celebrate.” As he spoke, a crowd of woodland neighbors gathered, and began to applaud when he was finished. I interpreted this speech to be an admission of guilt.
I then alerted the Vole family that the backyard digging culprit was caught. Pleased that their safety was not in danger, they refused to press charges. The Voles stated that they are good friends with the suspect, and who were they to criticize someone for doing a happy dance.
My superiors decided that I need to release the suspect on probation, on the condition that he promises to control his dancing during mud season. I believe it will only be a matter of time before Asa will forget that promise and will be brought before a judge to face charges. In the meantime, I am looking into charging Asa with witness tampering. Clearly the Voles dropped the charges under some sort of direst, and Chippy Chipmunk was covering for him during the initial interviews.
