Has anyone else noticed the eerie similarity between Cats and creepy Elves?  No, not in appearance!  But I couldn’t help but notice that they share many characteristics.  Cats and Elves both sit unmoving in various locations around our homes, silently staring long enough to give you an unsettled feeling, and judging your every move.  Also they both tend to pop up in the most unexpected of places, without so much as a faint sound to warn you of their presence.  Then there’s that superiority complex, where they can do no wrong.  Yet they are always critiquing your behavior.  You have to ask yourself, could it be that Cats are also working as spies for Santa?

The answer is a resounding YES!  As a Cat Conspiracy Theorist, I have been studying this phenomenon in my Cat Cousins.  After years of research, I have come to the startling conclusion that whereas the creepy Elves report your every move to Santa just during the Christmas season, Cats are spying on you all year long!  That’s the only logical explanation as to why the Elves only appear around the Holidays, but yet Santa seems to know your every misstep and mistake throughout the year.  This may also explain why Cats refuse to have meaningful friendships with Dogs.  As employees of Santa, they view us as strictly a working relationship. By befriending us, that would ruin their unbiased reports to Santa.  That’s the only logical explanation as to why whenever we visit our Cat Cousins, they hide from us, with the exception of a few fleeting glimpses of them watching us from afar.

Need more proof?  How about that rule that you’re not allowed to touch or play with the Elf?  Now I don’t know about other Cats, but that no touching / no playing rule certainly applies to my Cat Cousins.  Who can forget that time Lemmy desperately tried to get our Cousin Misty to play and she swatted him on the nose!  As for being spies for Santa, you have to ask yourself, why are there no Christmas movies about Cats?  It’s no coincidence!  To keep their secret safe, Cats distance themselves from Santa.  This may also be due in part because Cats are dedicated to ruining Christmas by getting us Dogs on the naughty list.  Who would want to watch that sad movie?

So now that the proverbial Cat is out of the bag, what do you do?  As a Cat Conspiracy Theorist, I suggest act natural!  Do not let on that you know they’re secretly on Santa’s payroll.  Instead, go about your daily routine, but just know that Cats and Elves can be lurking anywhere, watching your every move, and reporting it all to Santa!