Last week when I interviewed Asa for his 4 year job evaluation, some curious readers wanted to know what my role is in the family. An excellent question! Asa, read these questions exactly as I have them written. And whatever you do, no editorial comments, ad libbing, and absolutely no turning my performance review into a song or a joke!
Asa: Chuck Billy, as the Chief Executive Dog of our family, you are responsible for managing the daily operations of our household, as well as making all major decisions. However, what specifically do you do?
Chuck Billy: Excellent question! Here is a simple list of just a few of my many responsibilities, in no particular order:
Activities Director
Time Management Coordinator
Chairman of the Neighborhood Watch Patrol
Asa’s Life Coach
Waste Management Supervisor
Security Operations Manager
Human Obedience Trainer
Athletic Director
Notary Public
Doomsday Prepper
Toy Quality Control Inspector
Food and Beverage Logistics Manager
Director of Community Relations and Outreach
Humans Resources Officer
That doesn’t include my hobbies I enjoy during my spare time which are Intrepid Explorer, Dog Ufologist, and History Enthusiast.
Asa: *awkward pause*
Chuck Billy: ASA! Stop daydreaming and read the script!
Asa: Wow, that is a lot of responsibility for one dog. What would we be without your guidance and support? We could never function without you… Oh give me a break!
Chuck Billy: Stick to the script!
Asa: What are your greatest accomplishments so far?
Chuck Billy: Thank you for asking. I’ve excelled at everything listed above, therefore it is impossible to say which is my greatest achievement. For example, my role as Food and Beverage Logistics Operator keeps you from starving every day! Mom would never remember to feed us on time without my persistent reminders. And can you imagine how dangerous our yard would be if I slacked off for just one day and didn’t bark to scare away the deer? Anarchy would breakout! But I suppose my greatest accomplishment is being nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in Astrophysics, even if I didn’t win.
Asa: Yes, who could forget your contributions to the world of science. What are your goals for this year?
Chuck Billy: Well for 2019 I’d like to continue my work training Mom and Dad, not to mention their trainer too. They’ve made great progress in these past few months, but I know they are capable of even bigger improvements. As for you, my easily led astray little brother, I will devote more time to being your life coach.
In my spare time, I’d also like to complete my application to be chosen for the Mars Mission, gain more street cred as a Dog Ufologist by either speaking at the Exeter UFO Festival or hosting my own documentary on the History Channel, and get my patent for dog dictation software approved. Oh and make our emergency bunker in an undisclosed location more comfy and homey. But only if these goals don’t take time away from my daily responsibilities.
Asa: All lofty and impressive goals that I’m sure you will achieve. I know Mom and Dad are mere humans, and I am but a goofy Golden…you want me to seriously read this?
Chuck Billy: I said stick to the script!
Asa: *skims ahead* What would you like us to improve?
Chuck Billy: I understand no one can be as awesome as me. However, there are a few areas for improvement. For example, you, Asa. You need to take your role in the family more serious. Life wouldn’t be so easy for you, without all my hard work. In fact, I’m on the verge of replacing you as Assistant Guard Dog with one of your squeaky toys! Consider this your final warning.
As for Mom and Dad, they need to take their obedience training more serious. But I suppose that is my fault for giving them the false impression that they are in charge. But what Dad can do is build an in-ground swimming pool in the basement, so we can go swimming whenever we’d like year round. Nothing too fancy, just one that is 64 feet in length, 82 feet in width, and 6 feet in depth, creating a surface area of 13,454.72 square feet and a volume of 88,263 cubic feet, for 660,253.09 gallons of water. But those are just my rough estimates, I’m flexible.
Mom, once I get my patent for my dog dictation software approved – You’re Fired! Sure you’ve done an adequate job typing my thoughts for my blog, but don’t think I haven’t noticed from time to time you make editorial comments that I didn’t approve, or worst yet edit out some of my most groundbreaking statements in the field of Dog Ufology! But don’t worry, even though you’ll no longer be my secretary, I have big plans for you as Chief Treat Dispensing Officer. I may even enroll you in one of the local community ed cooking classes to improve your culinary skills. But for now, since I’m still fine tuning my dog dictation software, your job is safe, albeit on shaky ground.
However, what kind of a gracious CED would I be if I didn’t end my performance review on a positive note to build the morale of my staff…oops I mean family? So overall you’re all doing well. As long as you continue following my directions, I will continue to sacrifice to lead this family to greatness.
Asa: Does this mean this farce is over and we can go play fetch now? By the way, for anyone who may have read this entire interview, please keep in mind the opinions expressed are solely those of Chuck Billy and do not reflect the other family members of Living with a Golden!
