It’s no secret that Mom comes from a long line of nervous cleaners. When Grandma is worried about something, she cleans the house, just like Great Nana did, and Great Great Nana before her. So needless to say with Asa’s surgery this week, Mom has been on a cleaning frenzy. There’s no stopping her from this useless waste of nervous energy that takes precious time away from playing with me. However, while Asa and I marvel at how sparkling clean our home suddenly is, I’d like to share with you my observations on this silly human habit from an article I originally posted in 2018. Humans, please take the time to read this important message on how you can at least include dogs’ help in this pointless ritual.

Dog Thoughts on Cleaning (November 2018)

Did you know during an average week humans waste hours doing some form of housework or chore, thus needlessly taking valuable time away from playing with their dogs?  In fact, studies have shown that the average American spends over one hour a day cleaning, which amounts to at least 7 hours a week of not spending quality time with your pup.  Add to that the time intensive annual ritual of spring and fall cleanings and you’re just throwing away precious moments!  Luckily I’m here to remind you of the errors of your ways.

Take for example the unnecessary routine of washing the dishes.  According to a 2015 report by The Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average person over 15 years old spends 13 minutes per day cleaning up the kitchen after meals.  Why waste time, energy, and water loading the dishwasher or hand washing dishes by yourself, when your dog is more than willing to help with this chore?  Simply place the dishes, pots, pans and silverware where your dog can lick them clean, and together you are creating wonderful memories.

Laundry is another area where considerable time is wasted.  As soon as you finish all of the laundry for the week, it piles right back up again.  And don’t think for one second we haven’t heard your grumblings blaming dogs!  Sure we occasionally leave dirty paw prints on your sheets, or one ill-timed shake splattered mud on your pants.  However, rather than wash those precious reminders away, embrace them and show the world that you are a proud dog owner!  It may even spark up a conversation with your coworkers when they see your muddy clothes, and ask “What happened there?”  Therefore giving you more opportunity to tell them all about your dog.  Furthermore, an alternative to folding that massive pile of laundry is to simply leave it on the floor for us to enjoy.  No more wasting money on expensive dog beds, when we can drift off to sleep cuddling a reminder of you.  It’s a win-win situation.

Then there is the thankless task of vacuuming.  According to one very popular meme, dogs do not shed.  Instead we emit magical fibers of love.  You can believe everything you read on the internet.  Therefore, logic tells me that if Mom didn’t waste so much time cleaning the rug, it would probably be a magical flying carpet by now!  Just think of all the wonderful adventures you could go on with your dog if you only stopped vacuuming.  Besides, Asa and I have conducted our own personal research, and have found that it takes only one mighty shake to redistribute our fur around a room, leaving no trace the vacuum was ever there.  So why bother?  Fur is a natural insulator.  Just think of how much warmer your house will be this winter with our fur filling every nook, corner, and crevice in your home.

Studies have shown that the most dreaded task for humans is cleaning the bathroom.  I don’t want to sound too judgmental, but we dogs find it disgusting that you even do your business inside the house.  Humans are NOT cats!  And therefore should not act like them.  Instead humans should follow dogs’ example and do all your business outside, and thus eliminating the need to clean inside.  As for cleaning the bathtub, do you really need to take a shower every day?  Dogs don’t need to bathe every day, so why should you?  Just think of how much time you would save on a daily basis.  Time that could be invested in some more useful endeavor, such as taking me for a hike.

I could go on, but I think you get my message.  However, before you inevitably ignore me and turn on that vacuum, I’d like to leave you with one final thought.  Who sets cleanliness standards, anyways?  So throw away those mops, leave the laundry on the floor, and play with your dog instead!