The pages of rock history are filled with stories about fans sneaking into hotel rooms just to be close to their idol. So I knew it was only a matter of time before one followed me home. Recently we returned from yet another successful stop on my world tour of Maine, and discovered a feathered friend hanging out in our garage. I was completely flattered by her devotion to hide in that hot garage all day waiting for me to return home. Chuck Billy had dramatically different thoughts on the subject.
Dad, who is not only my roadie, but also in charge of security after the historical reenactors didn’t work out earlier in the tour, immediately took charge by opening the garage doors, and happily waving to encourage the bird to leave. But my new best bird friend refused to budge from her perch in the rafters. Who can blame her? We all get a little flustered when meeting our celebrity crush. So after flashing her my biggest smile and happiest tail wag, we went inside, leaving the doors open so she could quietly leave on her own.
However, my fearless fan refused to leave! Hours later and she was still happily flitting about the garage, checking out where I may or may not someday record my first album, or at least try to rehearse with my yet to be formed band. She must be following my career closely because she perched on my Christmas wreaths and then a basket of plastic poinsettias. Perhaps she is hinting I should release a Christmas album first? I have written a lot of holiday parodies. Well regardless of her intentions, night came and Dad shut the doors, trapping the bird inside. While Mom, who is in charge of catering on my world tour crew, left out a bowl of water for my no doubt thirsty friend.
Early the next morning I could hear her happily tweeting one of my songs. She flew around the garage in glee when I paused to listen on my way out to attend to my morning business, while Dad hoped she would follow me into the backyard. Speaking of follow, I really should have asked what her social media handle is. Anyways, Dad opened the garage doors, and once again she refused to leave. So he decided to try to lure her out with a different recording artist. Dad looked up bird calls, and played a few hoping to coax her out. But my flirtatious fan was having none of it. That is until Chuck Billy took over…
Chuck Billy throughout this time was hiding inside the house muttering something about “they are watching,” and it being “too much of a risk” to try to escape to his UFO bunker in an undisclosed location. Never in my wildest imagination did I connect it with my feathered friend, so I asked Chuck Billy what was bothering him. Well I guess his imagination is more wild than mine, because he started telling me all about this online theory that Birds Aren’t Real. Seriously, look it up. It is a real conspiracy theory.
Therefore, Chuck Billy was convinced that the bird was actually a drone sent to spy on him, and her relieving herself on our cars was in reality a means to track his dog ufology research missions. He argued that after living here all this time we’ve never had a bird come into the garage before, and that the timing after the recent Oversight Committee’s UFO hearings was not a coincidence. I tried to point out that we never had a rock star on a world tour of Maine in the house either until now, so she was probably just a fanatical fan. Yet he wouldn’t accept my well-grounded theory, and I refused to indulge his flight of fancy!
After having the bird in our garage close to 24 hours, Chuck Billy finally worked up the courage to go running into the garage barking at my now fearful feathered friend. Did it work? Not in the least! She just went higher up in the rafters. However, after things calmed down and Chuck Billy returned inside the house to work out a new plan, my fanatical feathered follower finally flew out of the garage to share her experience. I hope she only tweets nice things about me, and not repeat what Chuck Billy said to her. I sure don’t want to end up in the tabloids over this visit!
