People, please relax!  I know you’re all excited that today is my birthday, and you all want to get me a present.  But there’s no reason to line up before dawn at stores across the country and push and shove your way to finding me the perfect gift!  Yes, it’s flattering that to celebrate my birthday stores are having huge sales today in my honor.  But I have everything I need.  And lets be honest, what is a dog going to do with Nintendo Classic?  I don’t even have thumbs to play!  Besides, that huge parade held in New York City yesterday in my honor was celebration enough.  I’m just sorry I couldn’t lead it as the grand marshall, but I didn’t want to miss the special dinner Grandma was hosting for me.  Perhaps next year.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to settle in and watch highlights from the National Dog Show.  I suggest you all relax and do the same.

Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed in this article are by my delusional little brother, Asa, who assumes Thanksgiving and Black Friday are held in honor of his birthday.  Please excuse him for his arrogance.