I’d like to thank you for attending today’s press conference regarding the nationwide search for our missing Pink Flamingo. I’m Detective Chuck Billy and this is my partner Det. Asa. Our beloved lawn ornament went missing exactly one week ago sometime between 5:00 PM on Thursday and 2:00 PM on Friday. At that time the only evidence retrieved at the scene was a footprint, a jostled log, a tuft of fur, and three very scared Flamingo witnesses. Since our initial investigation we have received several more leads, and would like to update the public on this bird-napping case, as well as ask for your assistance in finding our plastic feathered friend.
Many concerned canines, including Isla and Soulie, theorized that perhaps our Pink Flamingo was unhappy living on a pile of stone dust, and ran away to greener pastures. As far as we can ascertain, our Pink Flamingo was not a flight risk. We did though conduct a thorough search of our neighborhood, including a beautifully landscaped yard, but no trace of him has been found. We also heard a rumor that perhaps he flew the coop with a Crow he met on Tinder. We have been unable to confirm that our Pink Flamingo even has a Tinder profile, nor could we find any social media presence for him on popular sites. However, our tech team will continue to pursue this lead.
Our Northern Neighborhood Patrol Detective, Daisy, followed up on an anonymous tip that our Pink Flamingo was hanging out with a wild group, and was spotted with a flock of Turkeys. Unfortunately though, upon further investigation there is no evidence that our Pink Flamingo was ever with them. Det. Daisy will continue to patrol her neighborhood.
The Southern branch of our Neighborhood Patrol Unit, Tucker and Skipper, have been assisting with the search by targeting members of our Pink Flamingo’s network of family and friends, beginning their interviews at…well, Target! Unfortunately that Pink Flamingo was uncooperative and refused to answer their questions. They will continue their interviews at Home Depot and Lowes. Detectives Monte, Maggie, Star, and Sophie are also following up on leads in their respective neighborhoods.
Our most promising new lead was a ransom note we received from someone going by the name of “Mr. Coyote.” However, we have not heard anything back from him since requesting proof of life of our plastic friend. This by no means indicates our Pink Flamingo met with a fowl foul end. We believe that Mr. Coyote is not our bird-napper, but instead his ransom attempt was just a means to take advantage of our sad situation and extort treats from us.
In terms of our original suspects, here are the results of those investigations. After checking with the National UFO Reporting Center (yes, that really is a thing!) there were no UFO sightings anywhere near our corner of Maine during the estimated time our Pink Flamingo went missing. It is with great disappointment that we can probably rule out the Alien abduction theory. Also despite his squirrelly behavior and incessant chatter, Mr. Squirrel passed his the lie detector test. He also has alibis from his extensive family on his whereabouts during the time in question. As of this press conference, our search warrant for his lair has been denied. Judge Mom is of the opinion that using a ladder to search his nest is too dangerous, not to mention we lack evidence to invade his privacy.
This leads us to our most credible lead that our beloved Pink Flamingo was bird-napped by Humans! Since our initial investigation, we have discovered a tire track on the side of the road in the direct path of the footprint and the log knocked out of place. However, despite my keen sense of smell, I have been unable to track the whereabouts of this vehicle.
As far as we can determine, our Pink Flamingo has no known enemies. Therefore we believe this is a random crime, and he did not know his kidnappers. If this is the case, we strongly urge you to keep a close eye on any lawn ornaments gracing your yard. We do not want any additional victims! With that said, we ask for the public’s cooperation in our nationwide investigation. Our Pink Flamingo has no identifying marks, including no tattoos or piercings. He is however rather dirty and faded, and his wire legs are very rusty. If you happen to find our plastic friend, please approach with caution! He is no doubt scared and could be injured from his ordeal.
Pink Flamingo, if you are reading this, know that we are still actively searching for you! As for the perpetrator(s) of this heinous crime, all we ask is for the safe return of our beloved lawn ornament. No questions asked. Thus concludes today’s briefing.
Pink Flamingo’s remaining family members thank you for respecting their privacy at this difficult time. They are currently being guarding by the Gnome, Private Security Agency. 
Det. Asa, I know you’re nervous about your first press conference, but there’s no need to stand so close. And STOP smiling! This is serious! Wait, is this mic still on…
