The safety of my family depends on a squeaky toy!  Ok I have to admit Asa’s performance review last week was a real eye opener.  What a slacker!  Asa actually thinks that getting us to play and have fun is somehow contributing to the wellbeing of the family.  Nowhere in that interview does he mention his role in protecting the family, nor his responsibility to assist me in patrolling our neighborhood.  It’s all just fun and games for the little guy.  How could he seriously think that interrupting my precious sleep to play is helping our family?  Well not anymore!  No more wasting the day playing little grasshopper.  It is time you became a worker ant…or in this case a Dire Wolf!

I’m going to step up my homeschooling to train Asa to carry his weight around here.  Why should I be the only responsible one in this family?  It is time Asa helped!  When I was his age I was Lemmy’s right paw dog.  The Deer wouldn’t dare come into our yard!  The Squirrels feared me!  Now it is my turn to teach Asa to protect our family.  Would you believe he NEVER barks when there is an intruder in the yard?  He totally ignores the Squirrels, wags his tail and smiles at the Deer, and has even gone as far as to invite three Wild Turkey families to live in our yard!  Yes Asa, your litter was called the “Turkey Litter.”  But that doesn’t make you related to actual Turkeys!

In the past I have tried to teach by example.  When an intruder is seen in the yard I bark at it from the window, then will insist that I am let outside to patrol the boundaries of the backyard.  However based on Asa’s lack of response, I realize everyone does not learn the same way.  So I will alter my teaching approach by dumbing things down.  Oh don’t be offended!  I’m not calling Asa a dummy.  Rather than use a live Wild Turkey, I’m using a dummy squeaky turkey to teach Asa proper watch dog techniques.  My lesson plan is simple:

Step 1: Make Asa aware that not everyone is his friend.  Stranger danger is real!  That squeaky turkey is a threat to our family!

Step 2: Teach him to bark.  And not that silly bark he does while wagging his tail and wiggling his body when playing!  I’m talking a low menacing growl that will strike fear in his toy…and hopefully someday actual wildlife.

Step 3: Encourage his inner Dire Wolf to protect our property.  A true Dire Wolf would never befriend Wild Turkey, much less a squeaky one!  He should be spreading its fluffy insides all over the living room!

However, I may need to adjust my lesson plan.  Because right now Asa is happily binge watching Christmas movies with his new best friend the squeaky turkey.  Clearly I have my work cut out for me…