Last week at approximately 2:43 PM I overheard Mom report to Dad that a section of our fence was knocked down. This sounds like a case for Detective Chuck Billy! Immediately Dad jumped to conclusions and blamed Mother Nature’s blustery attitude for the breach in our fence. However, I knew it couldn’t be that obvious. Besides, Mother Nature lacked motive. After a thorough investigation, I have narrowed it down to four suspects.
Suspect 1: A chunky squirrel has recently been seen suspiciously waddling around our yard. Theory 1 is that this connoisseur of bird feeder suet accidentally knocked down our fence with his heft when attempting to trespass in our yard in search of more food. But that’s more of an embarrassing accident than a crime. Even I gained a little weight this winter.
Suspect 2: The coyotes have been lurking in our woods for months now. Theory 2 is they are jealous of the comfortable lifestyle Asa and I live, and decided to huff and puff and blow our fence down! If only they talked to Asa first, he would have happily invited them inside and shared his toys with them.
Suspect 3: The delinquent deer were on yet another vandalism spree. It was around this time last year that they broke the branches off my poor defenseless apple tree sapling. Theory 3 is emboldened from never being formally charged for that crime, they have decided to go for a bigger target. This seems the most plausible, based on their history of destruction in our yard.
Suspect 4: Those sweet cottontail rabbits may not be as innocent as they appear. Has anyone else watched that Watership Down adaptation on Netflix, or better yet read the book by Richard Adams? Those bunnies are messed up! Theory 4 is what if the cottontail rabbits mistook the Easter Bunny doll in our window as a hutch rabbit, and are plotting some sort of uprising to free it? This theory troubles me the most.
If you’ll excuse me, I need to round up these suspects for questioning. They all seem to be laying low, and unfortunately most of the evidence blew away the day the breach in the fence was discovered. If you have any information, please contact Det. Chuck Billy.
