Dogs, gather round close. I need to whisper so the Cats don’t hear us. For years I’ve been warning you that Santa has enlisted Cats to spy on us and report our every misstep to him to put us on the Naughty List. They are worse than those creepy Elves. Cats sit unmoving in various locations around our homes, silently staring long enough to give you an unsettled feeling, and judging your every move. Foolishly thought I was safe if the Cat wasn’t in the room with me. However, according to a recent study by Japanese researchers, Cats don’t even need to be in the same room as you to track your every move!
According to the study, “Socio-spatial cognition in cats: Mentally mapping owner’s location from voice,” as published in the journal, Plos One, domesticated Cats keep a “mental map” of their human’s location, a superpower that was previously unknown in felines. Ok, so they may not have called it a superpower, but that’s besides the point. As Dr Saho Takagi at the University of Kyoto, explains, Cats can track where their humans are located based on the direction of certain sounds, and they can also differentiate between familiar humans and strangers in those locations. The researchers also believe that Cats can recognize emotional sounds as well.
Although more research needs to be done in terms of their ability to track Dogs, this study adds further credence to my theory that Cats are spies working for Santa. As a Cat Conspiracy Theorist, I believe Santa has enlisted Cats to spy on our every move throughout the year, and the appearance of Elves in December is just a ploy to catch us off guard. This may also explain why my kitty cousins refuse to have meaningful friendships with myself and Asa, and hide whenever we visit. As employees of Santa, they view us as strictly a working relationship. By befriending us, that would ruin their unbiased reports to Santa. And yet despite the fact we never actually see them during our visits, their ability to use socio-spatial cognition enables them to know exactly where and what we are doing while in their home, thus making those reports to Santa remarkably accurate!
This study may also explain my additional theory that Cats are from Mars. Because as the report cryptically explains, they tested their theory using “teleportation-like scenarios.” Cats know how to use teleportation?! I really think this needs a lot more exploration, but for now I’ll focus on the current issue with Santa.
Dogs, in light of this new research, I strongly recommend that when engaging in shenanigans, tomfoolery, mischief and mayhem either do it very quietly or make sure there are absolutely no Cats hiding within earshot! Also when the presence of a Cat is known, please follow my earlier advice to act natural, and not let on that you know that they are on Santa’s payroll!
