It’s been over a week since Asa was abducted by a UFO while visiting Dr. Doug at the animal hospital. It had all the telltale signs of an Alien abduction – Asa was missing for hours and returned home with obvious signs that a medical procedure was conducted on him. So today, I, Chuck Billy the renowned Dog Ufologist, will interview Asa on his experience.
Asa: Do you promise to believe me? It was really wild.
Chuck Billy: Of course! I take my research very serious.
Asa: Well as you can probably guess the anticipation of hanging out with Dr. Doug got me very excited that by the time I arrived I started to feel sleepy. So while he greeted other dogs and cats being dropped off for a playdate, I took the opportunity to take a nap. When I awoke I found myself outside of the animal hospital, but I wasn’t alone.
Chuck Billy: Do tell!
Asa: Kermit and Fozzie Bear were in a Studebaker waiting for me outside! I immediately got inside the car, and together we drove off singing, headed to find our fame and fortune!
Chuck Billy: This is the plot to the original Muppet Movie.
Asa: Oh but a lot more happened! Next thing I know Fozzie pulled up in front of the backstage entrance to Madison Square Garden. THE Madison Square Garden in New York City, where all up and coming rockstars, such as myself, dream of performing! I was greeted at the door by Glinda the Good Witch, who when she waved her magic wand the backstage doors opened revealing a long hallway paved in yellow bricks!
Chuck Billy: Let me guess. You were greeted by Toto and friends, and you danced your way down the hallway.
Asa: No, of course not silly! I was greeted by the Flying Monkeys, who I’ve always felt people were too quick to judge based on the company they kept. They’re really very nice. Anyways, two of the Flying Monkeys picked me up and began flying me down the yellow brick hallway. It was around then that I started feeling hungry. Because as you may recall before dropping me off at the animal hospital, Mom forgot to feed me breakfast. That’s when my new best friends, the Flying Monkeys, set me down in front of a dressing room. There I found Nigel Tufnel, of the world famous band Spinal Tap, sitting with a platter of food and muttering something about the bread being too small while he kept folding it. Not wanting to disturb him, I quietly ate the deli meat in awe of hanging out backstage at MSG.
Chuck Billy: Of course, you did. Did anything attract your attention as being strange?
Asa: Funny that you ask, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith suddenly burst into the room with scarves flowing everywhere, and he told me to “Walk This Way.” Not wanting to disappoint, I tried my best to imitate his swagger, as we proceeded down the hall. Suddenly I was blinded by the bright lights!
Chuck Billy: Were they UFO lights?
Asa: No, they were stage lights! But once my eyes adjusted I realized I wasn’t alone on that stage! On the stage with me was Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, the Scorpions, Skid Row, Gorky Park…
Chuck Billy: Gorky Park? Wait, are you describing the bands in the 1989 Moscow Music Peace Festival?
Asa: Now that you mention it, the lineup was very similar. But there was one huge difference. Instead of all jamming to “Give Peace a Chance,” everyone sang Pharrell Williams’ “Happy!” Crazy, right? Who would imagine all these rock bands getting together to sing that song?
Chuck Billy: You, that’s who.
Asa: I do admit it was a very impressive rendition right down to Ozzy happily clapping along. That’s when I looked out in the audience and saw YOU, and Mom, and Dad, in fact, ALL my friends were there singing and barking along! I admit I may have got a bit distracted with my dancing at that point, and fell off the stage without realizing it. Because when I woke up I had these stitches in strange places, and I was back at Dr. Doug’s animal hospital with all the staff telling me what a brave good boy I am.
Chuck Billy: So you didn’t see a single UFO? Why did I even bother interviewing you?
Asa: Well if you’re not going to believe me, you shouldn’t have asked!
