Thank you for attending my press conference today. Can everyone hear me in the back of the room? Asa, stop waving at me. I know you’re here. Just wait for your cue to run the slide projector.
Good morning, honored dignitaries and members of the press. It is a great pleasure to see you all here. Thank you for your participation. I am Chuck Billy, the renowned Dog Ufologist. Now that things are settling down after our family emergency, I can refocus my attention on my important UFO research. I gathered you here today to specifically address the Unidentified Floating Objects that were in the news last month.
First off due to it being classified information, I cannot specifically comment on or have access to what is known about the 3 mysterious “balloons” seen floating over the US and Canada in February. However, I have a theory that refutes the White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre’s statement that, “There is no indication of aliens or extraterrestrial activity with these recent takedowns.”
Was it a coincidence that there was an uptick in Unidentified Floating Object sightings during the time I was sidelined taking care of Asa? This Dog Ufologist says, “NO!” In fact, I say they were waiting for that precise moment when I was distracted, because they knew up until then I was watching them when no one else was paying attention!
Since last October, I have been aware of this extraterrestrial floating presence, and have been monitoring it closely. The following are my personal photos from my research.
As you can clearly see in this second slide, that is an alien disguised as a balloon floating over my yard.
ASA! I told you to take out this next slide! Members of the press, contrary to what appears in this photo, I did not flee from the scene when these strange objects landed in my yard, while my research assistant got a closer look.
Instead I was preparing to launch my own highly sophisticated investigation…
…while simultaneously diffusing the situation, as noted in the debris field in this photo.
I admit the debris does agree with statements made by Kevin Tucker, president of the Oregon-based aerospace company Near Space Corporation, in an interview with NBC News that high-altitude balloons used for science are typically well tracked and follow strict Federal Aviation Administration protocols. Specifically if a company or research organization loses track of a balloon, there are timers onboard that can trigger the balloon to self-terminate. Because the Unidentified Floating Objects over my yard did indeed explode after I barely touched them, I admit he’s right about self-terminating. However, that does NOT prove these balloons were not from another planet!
Therefore, I refuse to return to the government’s fallback response since Roswell in 1947 that these Unidentified Floating Objects were “weather balloons!” Yet I cannot prove my findings because just like at Roswell, the debris in my yard was mysteriously quickly cleaned up, and the government isn’t allowing me access to the 3 objects removed from the sky in February. However, based on my own investigation conducted last October, and my on-going research, extraterrestrial balloons are real and may be floating over your yard!
