I would like to issue my sincere apologies to my neighbors.  It has come to my attention that Asa and Mom are not taking their neighborhood patrol duties serious.  In fact, I have an eyewitness report that Asa was seen prancing while Mom was singing her favorite walking song a bit too loudly:

I’m up in the morning before daylight

And before I sleep the moon shines bright!

Singing ki yi yippee yappy yay

Yippee yay

Singing ki yi yippee yappy yay!

I agree this is an outlandish display of frivolity for such an important responsibility, and they will be reprimanded accordingly.  Another neighbor also filed a grievance that Asa was heard butchering yet another Bon Jovi song with his crude parody.  This time he changed the words to their 2005 hit, “Complicated.”

I’m constipated

I get frustrated

Right or wrong, Love or hate it

I never should have ate it

I’m constipated

Can’t debate it

I saw that leaf, and I ate it

It’s alright

It’s ok

I wouldn’t want it any other way

Momma keep on walkin’ cause I ain’t poopin’

I’m constipated!

Again my sincere apologies to any neighbors who had to listen to this or any other songs that Asa and Mom have been singing while on neighborhood patrol.  I cringed when I heard them coming up the road singing this corruption of Bon Dylan’s “Blowin’ in the Wind.”

How many times must I walk down this road

Before you do your business?

How many trees must we stop and sniff

Before you stop and pee?

The poop bag, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind

The poop bag is blownin’ in the wind.

Those lyrics don’t even make sense!  However, Asa and Mom will only be unsupervised for a few more days.  On Monday my stitches will be removed and I can resume leadership of this important daily task.  Until then I suggest staying inside your homes, turning your TVs on loud, and keeping away from all windows between dawn and dusk to avoid witnessing this embarrassing lack of neighborhood patrol professionalism.