Asa and myself, the renowned Golden archeologists who excavated the backyard last summer, decided to turn our attention to the attic, and once again made totally awesome discoveries. Over the weekend, while Mom and Dad continued to discuss their to-do list of home projects, my brother and I worked to find what was hidden in the layers of boxes in our attic. Our plan was to learn more about this earlier civilization called the ’80s. Who were these people? And what inspired their behavior?
Even before excavation began there were intriguing artifacts visible on the surface. Take for example a suede jacket with fringe. What purpose did that fringe serve? Certainly it wasn’t for fashion. Asa tried on the jacket as we began pawing through the boxes. We soon found magazines with strange depictions of people on the cover. There were men dressed in colorful spandex leggings, with puffy hair even fluffier than Asa after grooming. Who were these flashy dressers? While Asa read the magazines to learn more, I continued digging.
That’s when I found this primitive artwork on fabric with an ancient human with glowing blue eyes. The more I studied the magazines and art I uncovered, I soon realized they depicted who the ’80s civilization worshipped as their leaders! To confirm my theory, I found a scrapbook filled with countless images of similar looking humans, as well as photographs of this strange artwork on the walls of what appears to be a bedroom. But what inspired this idol worship?
As I continued to dig deeper into the boxes, I came across a piece of early technology. At first I incorrectly assumed it was an antique phone, due to the headphones attached. But there was no obvious way to make calls. Asa immediately identified the object inside of it as a mixed tape. After inserting new batteries into the contraption, Asa recognized the music coming from it. This was how these strangely clad humans spread their message about having “Nothing But a Good Time,” on the “Wild Side,” while they longed for “Paradise City.”
While Asa listened and took notes, I searched deeper into the box. That’s when I came upon a rectangular box entitled “Sweatin’ to the Oldies.” On the back it proclaimed, “Here’s your ticket to ‘Sweatin’ Land,’ my lo-cal amusement park.” From my previous research, I instantly recognized the VHS tape, and knew where I could find a device to play it. There I was mesmerized by the most energetic man I have ever seen, encouraging me to get up and dance. But what were these strange moves he was doing? Surely this man was not from our planet! Asa donned a pair of leg sweaters similar to what the man was wearing, and attempted to learn this ritual dance, while I continued my archeological excavation of the attic.
As I examined the ancient documents left behind, I discover at some point in the ’80s humans felt the need to adopt dolls born in cabbage patches. Was this some sort of biogenetic experiment? Perhaps it was an intergalactic plot by extraterrestrials to prepare humans to raise their offspring? Or were humans just really irresponsible back then leaving orphans in fields? Whatever the reasoning, there was clearly some sort of mind control going on because for no apparent reason people would stand in long lines at dawn to procure these produce dolls.
Finally after hours of pawing through artifacts, I found the missing piece to the puzzle! There at the bottom of the box was a tote bag with what is clearly an extraterrestrial depicted on the front. It was even labeled, “E.T. & Me!” This archeological evidence proved that rather than developing these unique behaviors and rituals slowly, as with most eras in human history, the ancient ’80s were clearly influenced by extraterrestrials from another planet! That explains the strange fashion choices that they wore to imitate their idols, the abandonment of reason in their song lyrics, and the odd desire to sweat with someone on TV, while caring for a doll found in a cabbage patch! This trip to the attic wasn’t just a project for Golden Archeologists. It was valuable research to advance my out of this world theories as a renowned Dog Ufologist! I just hope Asa hasn’t been influenced by the artifacts we uncovered from this Ancient ’80s Civilization.
