I, Chuck Billy the renowned Dog Ufologist, would like to share with you my latest startling discovery in my complex spacetime continuum theory. You no doubt recall that back in May I held a press conference to announce I solved the cold case mystery of the missing dog nail clippers by the discovery of a wormhole to another dimension located in my kitchen. However at that time I still did not have an answer as to where my missing dog nail clippers and the more recently disappeared cap to the can of whipped cream landed. Well today I have a profound announcement. I have located the portal to the wormhole!
While enjoying a picnic at Sebago Lake State Park, Dad began rummaging through a pocket on the front of the picnic basket for a fork. There he found napkins, ketchup packets, and…the missing dog nail clippers! We all sat in stunned silence staring at the clippers sparkling in the sun. Well Asa and I were silent. I vaguely recall Mom and Dad saying something, but I usually tune them out. And Asa was no doubt silent because he dislikes getting his nails trimmed because it takes away from his tap dancing. But I, the renowned Dog Ufologist, was shocked to see after being missing for three years the dog nail clippers mysteriously reappeared in a completely unexpected location!
Dad continued to search through the pocket to see if he could find the missing whipped cream cap, but alas all he found was some very old sunblock and finally the fork he needed to eat his lunch. Mom and Dad began questioning why would the clippers be in the picnic basket? They even ran through some very silly scenarios, but were left baffled. Meanwhile, I systematically pieced together the clues.
The dog nail clippers were kept in the kitchen on top of my crate. The picnic basket is also often found in the kitchen ready to be packed for adventures. Clearly the doorway to the wormhole in my kitchen must be located in the picnic basket’s pocket! It is the only logical explanation as to why they were in there! Being much heavier than the still missing cap, the clippers must have desperately clung on all these years hoping someone would rescue them before succumbing to the spacetime continuum, and falling into another dimension!
Determined to locate the missing cap to the can of whipped cream, I devised a plan to send Asa into the picnic basket portal. But unfortunately Mom put a stop to our plan when Asa attempted to stick his head into the cooler. She was right though. Because I have no idea where in the galaxy this portal to a wormhole may lead, I should tie a really long rope to Asa before sending him inside the picnic basket. Yet all I had with me on this hike was our leashes, and Sebago Lake has a strong enforcement policy about dogs must be on leashes at all times or else they’d be asked to leave. I couldn’t possibly risk tying our leashes together to send Asa into the portal, then having my most profound discovery interrupted by a park ranger demanding I leave because I wasn’t attached to the leash tied to Asa. Oh sure I could attach myself to the other end, but I’m far too valuable to risk being lost in a wormhole. So alas further investigation will have to wait while I order the longest rope I can find.
Stay tuned! The truth is out there, way, way out there! Or perhaps a lot closer than we realize?
