It has been a very long week here for Asa and I ever since we were accused in the disappearance of the dog nail clippers and hindering their replacement. Yesterday our lawyer, Pye the Guinea Pig Esq., filed a motion to dismiss due to problems with the investigation. “First, my clients were not made aware of their Miranda rights while being interrogated. Therefore, the court must toss the ‘confession’ about hating nail clippers. Second, no affidavit was submitted by the victims stating that the packages were ‘undeliverable’ and that the pet supply store owner was not to be found. As a result, the testimony by Det. Mom is hearsay, and the statements should be disregarded. Because of these faults, the court erred in granting the arrest warrant and all charges should be dismissed.” However, Judge Mom simply responded that she’d “take it under advisement,” and proceeded to rule that the trial would continue as scheduled. Here are the highlights from this morning’s trial.
As the courtroom filled with spectators, the room was was buzzing with all sorts of conspiracy theories. There were theories about cat burglars, canine neighbors, and Mom! Some even went as far as to theorize that Russian squirrels were involved in the disappearance! Others insisted that we were the victims of a diabolic plot by mail carriers. One spectator said that under our couch cushions was a blackhole that swallowed our missing dog nail clippers! All very convincing theories, but alas it was Asa and I who stood accused.
Before the trial, we were offered a plea deal. In exchange for revealing the location of the missing dog nail clippers or assisting with their replacement, all charges would be dropped. However that would be admitting guilt. Not to mention would result in our nails getting clipped. I have to admit though, Asa and I almost caved and accepted the deal. All the “evidence” Detective Mom dug up was starting to make us question our own innocence. After all, we have been known to bark at the UPS delivery person from time to time. So preventing him from showing up at our house in the first place isn’t beyond the realm of possibility. As for the missing pet supply store owner, I do admit I was rather angry with him when he stopped carrying my favorite dog food last month. But I’d never do something bad to him! The farthest I’d ever go would be to look the other way while he pets me. Luckily though our lawyer believed in our innocence, and knew we could beat these charges.
It didn’t take long for us to realize that Mom was even worse as a Prosecutor than she was as a Detective. After presenting the transcripts from our interrogation, and the evidence laid out in her affidavit, she closed her case by simply giving the definition of Coincidence: (N) a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection. Followed by the definition of Improbable: (Adj) not likely to be true or to happen. Thus confusing everyone in the courtroom, including Pye. But Asa and I held firm to our innocence. It also helped that through it all Asa held firm to his favorite squeaky toy, Ms. Caterpillar. Thus winning over the hearts of the jury.
Then it was Pye’s turn to defend us. Despite her small stature, Pye’s presence in the courtroom was bigger than even a Dire Wolf. Her opening statement instantly cast doubt on the circumstantial evidence. But what really swayed the jury in our favor was her questioning of Dad. Dad squirmed in his chair as Pye squeaked out the possibility that he was the real suspect. She shared with the jury Dad’s well documented history of frequently misplacing items around the house, and that the missing dog nail clippers were entrusted to his care. After intense questioning, he admitted that perhaps he could have moved them and not remembered. Then before Dad could collect his thoughts, Pye hit him with the fact that he had equal if not greater online access to the undeliverable replacement nail clipper order than we did. In fact, he was heard grumbling about the price after Mom ordered them, and mentioned instead trying the local pet supply store! A fact Dad could not deny.
This brings me to the exciting jaw dropping moment of the trial. When Pye the Guinea Pig, Esq. addressed the accusation that we had something to do with the missing owner of the pet supply store, Asa and I held our breath. Suddenly the court room door burst open and in walked Pye’s Golden assistants Isla and Soulie with none other than the supposedly missing man! We all gasped at the sight of him. No, not because of his sudden appearance, but because he obviously had the flu and none of us wanted to catch it. He apologized for being closed that day, but he was very sick and couldn’t get a replacement at such short notice. Asa immediately went online to send him a fruit basket, along with our get well wishes. The trial quickly wrapped up after that, with Asa and I being acquitted of all charges by a jury of our social media peers!
Asa and I would like to thank our entire legal team: Pye the Guinea Pig, Esq., thank you for being our lawyer, and truly believing in us. Isla and Soulie, your dogged determination to clear our name through your private investigation proved vital in the outcome of this case. Freesia, thank you for meticulously researching similar cases. Although you are barely over six months old, I feel you have a great career in law ahead of you. Pretty and Sophie, thank you for testifying as a character witnesses on our behalf. Most importantly, thank you to the jury comprised of our Facebook and Twitter peers! Monte, Maggie, Skipper, Tucker, Crimson, and Sheba, thank you for critically listening to both sides of this case, and finding Asa and I innocent! And finally thank you to Bogey and Priss for offering to help us escape if the verdict was not in our favor. Thank you to our legal team and friends for believing in our innocence!
As for those of you who ever doubted us, including Mom, we forgive you. After all, we’re Golden Retrievers, and that’s what we do. Sadly though, although justice has been served, Asa and I have to go get our nails trimmed now, because they are really long and rather annoying. By the way, if you’re wondering about the whereabouts of the missing dog nail clippers, no doubt now that Mom bought a new pair the old ones will turn up!