In the neighborhood criminal justice system, kidnapping of lawn ornaments is considered an especially heinous crime.  The worst criminal offenders are pursued by an elite team of dedicated detectives, Chuck Billy and Asa.  Here is their story.

It all started on Friday afternoon when Mom noticed one of our Pink Flamingos was missing.  Visibly upset, she came bursting into the house to ask Dad if he moved it.  Perplexed, Dad swore he saw all four of them the day before.  Not wanting to assume the worst, we set out to do a perimeter check of our property.  Perhaps our plastic feather friend blew away in the recent storm?  However, after a thorough check of the bushes and a grid pattern search across the lawn, not a trace could be found.  Not even one of its wire legs!  Surely if it flew the coop in the wind, the legs that were firmly planted would remain?  It didn’t take long though for my keen observation skills and powerful sense of smell to find the path of escape that the bird-napper took.  Someone left a footprint in the mud next to the Pink Flamingos, tripped over a nearby log knocking it out of position, and fled to the road to a waiting car.  But who?

Asa immediately secured the crime scene to begin our investigation.  Ok, I admit we didn’t actually have crime scene tape, but the streamers left over from Asa’s birthday party should work just as well.  While Asa did that, I focused my attention on the footprint.  I was able to quickly rule out Mom and Dad as suspects.  I then logged onto the shoe sole database website to see if I could match it.  Yes, that really is a thing!  However, after endless scrolling for less than a minute, I knew I was wasting precious time.  Our Flamingo was in danger and needed our help!  I needed DNA evidence!

Back out to the crime scene I searched for more precious clues.  That’s when I found the evidence that completely changed the focus of the investigation.  I found a tuft of fur on a thorn bush at the scene of the crime.  That shoe print was merely a ruse, intended to throw us off the track of the real perpetrator!  Perhaps our kidnapper wasn’t a Human?  What if the sinister mastermind behind this heinous crime was my archenemy, Mr. Squirrel?  How could I be so blind to the evidence!  Directly above where the Pink Flamingos are grazing is one of his many lairs!  Mr. Squirrel was even taunting me from that tree when we began our initial investigation.

Meanwhile Asa attempted to interview the remaining Pink Flamingos for any pertinent information about their friend’s abduction.  Based on the look of fear in their beady little eyes, clearly they are in shock and in no condition to identify the suspect or even describe the event that unfolded before them.  This made me realize, why would they be so afraid of a Squirrel?  Or even a Human for that matter?  This case could be even more shocking than I realized.  Perhaps our beloved Pink Flamingo lawn ornament was abducted by a UFO!

At this point I have narrowed it down to three suspects: a Human, Mr. Squirrel, or Aliens.  The Human seems too obvious with all the circumstantial evidence uncovered.  Mr. Squirrel, although evil, lacks motive.  And I’m pretty sure I would have noticed the Alien’s UFO hovering overhead.  More work is needed to find my missing Pink Flamingo!  Unlike the detectives on TV who neatly wrap up their investigations in an hour complete with commercial breaks for snacks, this is the real world.  It will take time and patience to follow all the leads.  However, I know in my gut one thing is for certain.  When I solve this case, the same individual who perpetrated this heinous crime is also mostly likely the same the culprit who attempted to frame us in the case of the missing dog nail clippers!